Twin Suns Sun Twins: Final Chapter?

Two weeks ago I put up a pic of myself en femme.  Sort of shocked some folks I guess- my blog numbers dropped in half almost immediately after months of like 40 hits a post.

Coincidence? 

Unlikely.  And after a week in the psych ward in December, my phone rang less often and more softly somehow, but maybe that's because I turned the ringer volume down and the drugs they pumped me with were still wearing off........

So.  Yeah, that's tough.  I've always felt different, and now I know why- if ya wanna hear about it, here's my next adventure on the gender wheel............and a happy ending so far.

Three posts in the past looked into this whole affair.
 
1
2
3

Three posts that have the most hits of anything I've put out there.

Coincidence?

Unlikely.

So, let's do this, probably a couple installments.  I could write a freakin' book on this. Maybe I will.

So....... i hesitate.  Why put an hour or two into a blog that has been drifting into diary dreams?  I don't do diaries............but if there's someone reading this, even one person, that was as confused as I was, well what the fuck. 

So, before I was confused- so very, very confused.  Attracted to women as well as men.  Never gay men though- turns out to be a big clue.  Tried being a straight guy.  Never could pull that off in an institutional way..........  Tried being a gay guy.  Two real attempts, never even got the thing off the ground at all.  So to speak.

Big clue- I crossdressed as a teenager, my secret shame, for years.  Dropped that for the next 30 years while I married twice, fairly happily. 

A year ago, the two halves of my self split my body in two and moved as far apart as they could from each other- which in one body that can't repress unconscious material real well, for better and worse,  wasn't very far....................and that year took me to so many places inside of the Feminine that I can never express my gratitude enough......

And what resulted was me realizing that I'm trans-gendered.  In my case, bi-gendered which is a subset in the trans-gendered community- actually, the most stressed of the subtypes.  Yeah, it's confusing.

Because I'm hermaphroditic, energetically.  Sure, we all are in some ultimate sense, but in the world few people have the lifetime dilemma and intra-psychic autonomy that a bi-gendered person does............it's very unlikely that if you're gay or straight that this will make any sense to you.   All I can ask is that you keep an open mind. 

See, the female personality, Shannon, is a completely straight woman.  T, the male is a straight guy.  No wonder I was never attracted to gay men!  I suppose that's a bit hard on Shannon, given that she's in a 47 year old male body!

There's nothing fixed about these personas- they only exist in 'my' mind.  Patterns, archetypes flowing up through the conditioning of many lifetimes.............but I would say that the personality that you have is also only in your mind, made up over time. 

I just have two, now both quite conscious whereas for most of my life, Shannon lived in the basement.  No more, but I don't think I'll do too much public crossdressing.  Hope that helps, Mom, (yeah, you had to get a computer didn't you!)  but I can't guarantee it! 

At the very least, c'mon Halloween!

So, no, I'm not going to say 'we' in ordinary speech.  I'm not crazy, and this is not a disorder- it's the way I came out naturally.  What was crazy was when I tried to 'fix' myself into one box.  I'm so much happier, more loving and less aggressive than I've ever been in my life.  A bit lonely, since many people just shy away from this.  I don't know why-

Do you?

OK so that's the short story on this.  All I can say, in the words of Blake:

We contain multitudes.  Pretending your one coherent little person is illusion, and does't change the facts!  That doesn't mean your bi-gendered tho, and you might want to be happy about that.  It's been such a lifetime quandry, a meta-koan- I never thought I'd understand it.  Man am I relieved!

Now, on to the next whatever...........  One more picture of Shannon and Eyes in the Pine is now over, done, finished, kaput.  Goodbye and good luck. 

See you tomorrow.